NATION’S CATS THRILLED TO FIND FAMILIES HOME, PRONE ON COUCH

November 17, 2016

In light of the catastrophic Electoral College victory of Donald Trump, cats around the country have expressed deep satisfaction in finding their families lying on couches in states of shock, fear, rage, and depression. Reporting from the living room, America’s cats say they have been receiving unprecedented snuggling, regular grooming, and bouts of intense affection. With hate speech, racism, and sexual violence apparently validated through the election of an unqualified demagogue, many families have recently found themselves holding beloved cats, asking their feline companions, why, how, for real? Really?

Pleased with the hours their families have spent on couches recently, cats noted that these difficult questions have compounded the immediate environment of fear inspired by the events of November 8.

“I like to see my people get home and arrive on the couch as soon as possible,” explains Neil, housecat, of Philadelphia. “Once installed, I’m finding that they may not move for hours at a time. All in all, I’d say I’m pretty satisfied with the situation.”

However, the nation’s cats have expressed concern that as families organize, strategize, and demand basic rights, they may once again leave the couch.